Thursday, 31 July 2014



A friend and I once convinced someone that we were really angels sent to put him back on the ‘righteous path’. We only looked like Nathan and Mike, but we were angels.

It was easy because the guy was stoned off hit tits and, if I must be honest, a bit of an idiot.

Why did we do it? Not sure.

Sometimes it’s fun to lie. Sometimes kids lie for attention, adults lie to sound more intelligent than they are, and I suppose some people tell a lie they reckon will make then appear cooler.

Apparently, writers tell lies to reveal deeper truths about society and the human condition… don’t know about that one.

The internet is 90% porn and 9% lies. And maybe I’m being presumptuous about that 1% of truth.

One of these lies is that there are certain ‘superfoods’ that can prevent cancer. It’s all stuff that you hated as a kid - Beetroot, ugh. Broccoli, gross. Green tea, have you tasted that shit?


Sure, eating fruit and veg helps. You’d be foolish to think otherwise. But the term ‘superfood’ comes from the mind of marketing scumbags, not scientists. Cancer is complex, and no one food is going to make much of a difference.

The truth is that being boring goes a long way: Don’t smoke, drink less, get some exercise you fatsack. Simples.

Another old wives tale is that sugar fuels cancer cells.

Remember when your mum used to say: “Don’t eat sweets, they’ll give you cancer!”… What? She never said that? Something about rotten teeth? Oh, my mistake.

Anyway, internet mums are saying that sugar feeds cancerous cells and makes them stronger. But here’s the truth: All sugars are carbs and whether it’s from “carrot or cake” (or carrot cake) these carbs get broken down to release glucose and fructose and provide energy for us to live.

Sure, cancer cells use glucose too, but so do all our cells. And there’s evidence that cancerous cells use this energy differently so…

And then in July this year the University of Exeter discovered that smelling farts cures cancer.

Okay, they discovered that “the targeted delivery of a compound called AP39 caused more hydrogen sulphide to be produced by an ailing cell”.

Hydrogen sulphide is the gas that makes farts stink and in small doses can prove protective to cells’ mitochondria. This would help resist the progression of diseases such as cancer.

It’s produced naturally in our bodies and only has “implications for future therapies”. So don’t go sniffing turds, it doesn’t work like that.

Of course, the greatest cancer myth is that chemotherapy is some kind of hairy superhero who pees fire… Honestly, who are these dickheads?

Oh yes, and on 31 August I’m SHAVING MY HEAD FOR CANCER RESEARCH so scientists can bring us more facts and less bollocks.

No comments:

Post a Comment